I turn 27 in a couple of days and I’m freaking out. I am writing this hoping that it will help me calm down a little bit. I know that feeling lost and confused is an eternal part of life and I shouldn’t give this as much attention but I have never felt this freaked out by being a year old. 27 is just to close to 30. And that is an age by which I wanted quite a lot of things done. And I am way far away from them.
The fact is I don’t feel much different than what I felt when I was 21. To be honest, when my life isn’t much different either. I’m single. I have serious responsibilities. I don’t have a job currently. And I have very little money in my account after this long (unintentionally long) sabbatical. I never really like being out of work beyond a certain point. I’m not very ambitious either. But I like doing some good work, hoping that it will attract the right fortunes and people. My version of good fortune has been I have met the right people at the right time. Some of them have helped me become who I am today. I have had to wait but I have never really had a massive setback. The more I look I back and ponder; I have only been counting the good things. Yes, there were bad months and years but nothing compares to the sheer luck I’ve had when it comes to my career.
All of this introspection is the reason why I am freaking out. I don’t care much about my single status. I think it will happen in its own time like most things. Responsibilities, I am used to by now. It really bothers me to not have a job or work or a purpose I feel passionate about. I have had people tell me to lower my standards, that a job is just a job and that I should get used to the dull monotony of work. But the thing is I just cannot spend my life compromising one of the very few things that really matter to me. It will be like choosing a guy to get married to only based on the fact that he is a guy and I am not a lesbian. May be I am foolish but I’d really prefer not being sane if it means compromising such a huge part of me.
I know as time goes by, my paranoia about being unemployed will just increase. I may not get what I want. I know that I might have to bend my ego a bit and not be as independent as I have been in the recent years. But hey, I am 27. I, for a change, know what I want. That is a big deal to me. And unless I absolutely have to, I am not going to let go of this purpose of knowing what I want and trying to find it.
Wish me luck.