Amidst chaos and confusion

I have been absent from this blog for the longest time. No I have not been cheating. Usually, when I disappear for such a long time, it means that I have started another blog or have started writing somewhere else altogether. Apart from occasional posts on this blog, where I am documenting my adventures in kitchen, I haven’t gone anywhere else. Neither am I writing much at work lately. In fact, I write very very little when it comes to work. It is rather annoying. I digress. So back to the question, where have I been?

I have been caught in a vortex of endless confusion, despair and more confusion. Last few months have been…the only word to describe them is exhausting. I have spent around a month in and out of hospitals(not for myself), I have wondered what the fuck am I doing with my life, have wanted to quit my job more than once and I have probably never been so out of touch with the world as I am today. In short, life has been a mess and I have been struggling.

It is the 26th of January, to be honest, it still doesn’t feel like 2013 ever left. There was no Diwali, no NYE, not much of a birthday, nothing that really stands for passage of time (in my books) in the past 4months. It is like living on a day-to-day basis. Dealing with one thing, one crisis often, at a time. My usual haven, something that gives me a sense of control, work has been sort of a big fat pile of messed up as well. But that’s the only tangible thing right now. I can work that shit out or say I want to leave, everything else is so not in my hands. This sense of not having any sort of control on things that can upturn my life, is unnerving. Especially, because I strive to find some control in every situation, being a spectator while other factors govern my decisions has been….new.

In this state of confusion and chaos, there have been some handful positives and learnings

  • I have learnt how to control my temper
  • I have realised that loss of control of situation isn’t always a weakness. Sometimes letting go is crucial for sanity
  • A part of being an adult (gasps) is not giving up on things and trying to find a solution when you can. Walking away is probably the easiest thing to do at times, but probably not the sanest choice
  • I have, once again, realised I can be absolutely right and perfect but there will be people who will always hate me. I am still learning how to deal with this one.
  • I am 26 years old. I suddenly feel that I am the right age.
  • Living alone is both a curse and a blessing. I have had to live alone for short periods in the last four months, while the silence can be haunting at the end of a colossal day, but the same silence is comforting when you are waging a war against your own thoughts.
  • I have sort of understood, that people don’t care, won’t care and friends are just friends not people who are with you through thick and thin.
  • But then there are also people who will surprise you. God bless them.

Probably one of the biggest realisations was praying consciously. Being very aware of what I ask for. We ask for such random things from that promotion to that boy. Before every prayer asking myself, am I praying something that really really matters to me? What are the things that I can’t live without? If tomorrow something does go wrong, would I feel that I have wasted a prayer? I found these answers and realised there is only one thing that matters to me. And that’s the only thing that I will be praying forever.

This year has started on note that screams change. In my surroundings, in my thoughts and the way I deal with things. I don’t know when this cycle of chaos will break. When the storm outside and in me will die down, but I guess I can still hope for some calm, if not a silver lining.

PS: This is probably the vaguest post I have written. But it is a start to writing again. Hopefully, I will return.