Reassurance?

One of the good things about reading Thought Catalog is that you get to know that you are not the only one who self-destructs. It is sort of assuring when at the end of another year, when I feel that life is completely different but it is still the same. Like most things I say when I am emotional and slightly pissed off, this doesn’t make sense. But that is exactly how I feel.

A monumental year this has been. So many things gone awry, so much effort put in to ensure that as the year ends, life is not falling apart. But it may not be falling apart but it is still somewhere stuck.

I didn’t want to go back to drowning myself in work. I wanted to work on myself. Be happy, healthy, try to be accessible and friendly, instead I have done exactly the opposite. I have found a job that consumes me. Leaves me nothing for me. And I enjoy it. I was born like this, I think. Programmed to be a workaholic. Because being anything else would probably mean that I’d have to confront my other demons. I am better off this way.

I’ve never been good at relationships. Any sort. I don’t do the nice thing. I don’t do the secure happy thing either. I am the kind who believes in silent confrontations rather than angry outbursts, the kind who believes in the good although the obvious is right in front of me, the kind who refuses to let go when things get difficult but is icy cold even when things aren’t, the kind who is not accessible and is very easy to let go.

I’d rather not open this can of worms. I’d rather drown in work. Disappear in books when I have the time. And read Thought Catalog to know that I am not alone.

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In different levels of ascendency

It is the sense of melancholy you that comes out of watching too many ‘real’ movies. Stories that could be your life. People that could be you on the screen. Melancholy that is associated with broken memories and traces of cigarette smoke on your hair. And a bit, may be on your soul.

The kind of sadness you feel when you pass by a spot where you spent most of your youth. Or when you look at childhood photos and find your favourite one missing. It feels like someone just took away your candy or your favourite soft toy. Your entire comfort zone.

And sometimes, it is plain depression. The sort you’d feel if you were heartbroken for the first time. Or when you can see exactly what you want but cannot take it, cannot have it and cannot desire it in the way you’d want to.

Bullets

I am in a mood to do bulleted posts. So here goes.

  • I am currently obsessed with pop coloured nails. I did a neon pink a few days ago and I am sporting a bright orange right now. I love how they look against my white keyboards. And how people immediately notice them(me) because of the color. I basically think they are awesome and they bring happiness to my life.
  • I quite love drowning in work. I am currently, quite literally, drowning in work and I love it. I don’t know how long this will lasts but I like this. May be it is the honeymoon period but I couldn’t be any happier. * touches wood *
  • I love working on Apple machines. I know I sound like a snob but the amount of work that I manage to do on a good Apple machine is astounding. I tried to work on a PC lately and I cant say I was sad that to see the back of it. Now I am hoping that this Macbook stays with me. I love being productive.
  • So, being in mid-20s and being single really doesn’t go too well it seems. Friends getting married, getting engaged, breaking up, couples dinners blah blah. So much seems to be happening in others’ lives while I lead a non-dramatic quiet life.
  • Nobody Can Love You More turned out to be a very nice read. I don’t read non-fiction. And frankly, I wouldn’t have picked it up normally but I really enjoyed reading it. Its beautifully written, with emotion and the same time a certain amount of neutrality. I wonder how Soofi managed that. Because through the book, his emotions about those women and life they lead are so obvious but he doesn’t pass judgment at any point. Neither does he push the readers to make up their minds. How to write like that?
  • I think it has fizzled out. Like I knew it would. I need to let it go. May be in the future it would revive for now it feels quite dead. I can’t deal with this arrangement. I need to stop investing myself in stuff with very little hope. I cannot keep doing this to myself. Why must I be so stupid always?

The Saving Grace

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There seems to be a steady pattern in what I have been reading in the last few days. Very emotional, very draining books that get finished faster than I’d like because I get too involved in them. I have read a lot this year. Doesn’t feel that way but I have. I never feel that I read a lot. I guess it may be because many of the books I read were close to a 1000pages. And the fact that most of these books happened to me only in the latter half of the year. Doesn’t matter. Fact is, they made me happy.

As this is the last month of the year, I am going to make a list of books that I have read. Hopefully, I wont forget any.

So here goes,

  1. The Immortals of Meluha
  2. The Secret of the Nagas
  3. How to lose my virginity and other dumb ideas (no judgment please)
  4. Paths of Glory (I think it was during this year only)
  5. A Game of Thrones
  6. A Clash of Kings
  7. A Storm of Swords – Steel and Snow
  8. A Storm of Swords – Blood and Gold
  9. A Feast for Crows
  10. A Dance with Dragons (half of this, as I quit half way)
  11. Fifty Shades of Grey
  12. Fifty Shades Darker
  13. Fifty Shades Freed
  14. Narcopolis
  15. One Day
  16. Nobody Can Love You More (currently reading)

And the year hasn’t ended yet.

I also attempted to read 1Q84, which I abandoned for the second time. I think that book doesn’t like me.

If this does prove anything, it isn’t that I read a lot or anything; it just proves that I spend too much money on books. None of these were borrowed. Except for Fifty Shades trilogy that I found online.

Books were the saving grace of the very bad year that has started to get better only towards its end. I loved all of the books mentioned in that lists. With an exception of one or two I think. If asked to pick one out of all of them, it will be Narcopolis. The Song of Fire and Ice series doesn’t count. It is a bloody saga. Deserve a whole post and different comparison scale altogether.

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Here’s hoping the New Year is filled even more of such awesomeness.