Of a difficult year and unspoken desires

I turn 25 in less than 24 hours. For a major part of last year, I thought that I’ll be turning 24 this year. For me, my last birthday never happened. Till one night, for some weird reason, I decided to calculate my age. And no matter how many times I calculated, manually or using a calculator, it turned out to be 25. I was in shock for a couple of days. How could I miss something like this? But whatever, I eventually got over it and here I am acknowledging it openly.

The last year of my life was full of things I could never imagine. Stuff that happens to you only in your worst nightmares. Only parent being sick. A difficult job that became more and more difficult by every passing day. Personal goals gone askew. Friendships falling apart. Horrible feeling of loneliness. Even more horrible feeling of betrayal. Knowing that people I counted on, failed me miserably. Experiencing the drawbacks of independence. And taking really tough decisions. All of them, in one single year. This has to be one of the lowest ever.

I don’t know how I made it through this. I just know I did. Towards the end of it, I did whatever I could in my power to set things right. Decided to quit the job. Do whatever I could to be at peace with myself. Made, rather I am making attempts to feel better. Letting go of those who could never be.  And finally trying to find things that make me happy.

I learnt a lot in the last one year. I probably changed a lot more than the last few years combined. I don’t think it is all positive but as long as it helps me make it through the day I am not complaining.

Towards the end of this year, aptly enough, I spent the last two days, in presence of a yogi. I did a Nidra Yoga workshop. Something I didn’t expect a lot from. I am novice at yoga. And I didn’t even understand the term properly. Unlike most people, I didn’t come out feeling enlightened or unbelievably positive. Yes, a certain amount of relaxation and positivity was there. But it wasn’t something I’d rave about. I am not complaining, I never expected enlightenment in two days. That would be plain stupid on my part. But I did come out feeling reassured. Knowing that my choices were in the right direction. My refusal to certain things was right. My belief that I can’t live half dozen separate lives was not unreasonable.

I have this one life. To make my mistakes, to create my own achievements. To have my own heartbreaks. To find my own pleasure. To be jealous and full of envy. To bring happiness to others. To find some for myself. To play my roles as best as I can. And when I can’t anymore, to bow out gracefully.

Here’s to the next year. Hopefully, you’ll be the one I am waiting for.

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One thought on “Of a difficult year and unspoken desires

  1. This is funny. Only because, it was only a few days before my 24th birthday, that I found out I was 23, and not 22, as I was thinking all along (since two years!)
    It was only when my cousin calculated my age properly, that I was forced to know that i would be turning 24, not 23. It was not pleasant.

    Belated birthday wishes!

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