Resolves, Superstitions and Happiness

So it has been more than two weeks since my birthday and haven’t had the time or the inclination to come here and write about it. So here it goes, it was one of the best yet. For very simple reasons at that:

  • I confirmed a job I was looking forward to
  • Received some awesome and funny phone calls from some really awesome friends
  • Had someone to keep me company throughout the day and flirt with me
  • Got some really nice gifts and flowers
  • Had a nice dinner, preceded by buying stationery! Nothing could make me happier.

I guess more than anything else, I was just happy. There was no single reason that made me happy but something did. I think it was just my resolve to be happy that day.

Over to the second bit. Yes, I have started working again. It is something that took very long to happen but in the end, my patience paid off. It is very rare that I look at something and say that I want to do this. This was one of those very few moments. And for some reason, I am ridiculously superstitious about it. Very few people know I have started working again. I refuse to update my Facebook or Linkedin, even when I know that it is a practical thing to do. Like always, I am scared to be happy. Scared to jinx it. I don’t think anyone can blame me. It does have way too many plus points as of now. But * touches wood * patience. This is going to be about patience and not excitement. I am going to let things happen at their own speed. I am not going to rush into things.  I am not going to do anything that I’ll regret.

After watching Life of Pi yesterday, I have resolved to go to Pondicherry in the beginning of the New Year. Pick up my bags and go sort of trip. I have wanted to do this for a very long time. Just book tickets in advance because I just cannot afford the airfares.  That is, if one of my other secret plans doesn’t work out. And you will have to wait for that secret to come out.

Yes, this has been a month of secrets, superstitions and happiness. * touch wood *

Of a difficult year and unspoken desires

I turn 25 in less than 24 hours. For a major part of last year, I thought that I’ll be turning 24 this year. For me, my last birthday never happened. Till one night, for some weird reason, I decided to calculate my age. And no matter how many times I calculated, manually or using a calculator, it turned out to be 25. I was in shock for a couple of days. How could I miss something like this? But whatever, I eventually got over it and here I am acknowledging it openly.

The last year of my life was full of things I could never imagine. Stuff that happens to you only in your worst nightmares. Only parent being sick. A difficult job that became more and more difficult by every passing day. Personal goals gone askew. Friendships falling apart. Horrible feeling of loneliness. Even more horrible feeling of betrayal. Knowing that people I counted on, failed me miserably. Experiencing the drawbacks of independence. And taking really tough decisions. All of them, in one single year. This has to be one of the lowest ever.

I don’t know how I made it through this. I just know I did. Towards the end of it, I did whatever I could in my power to set things right. Decided to quit the job. Do whatever I could to be at peace with myself. Made, rather I am making attempts to feel better. Letting go of those who could never be.  And finally trying to find things that make me happy.

I learnt a lot in the last one year. I probably changed a lot more than the last few years combined. I don’t think it is all positive but as long as it helps me make it through the day I am not complaining.

Towards the end of this year, aptly enough, I spent the last two days, in presence of a yogi. I did a Nidra Yoga workshop. Something I didn’t expect a lot from. I am novice at yoga. And I didn’t even understand the term properly. Unlike most people, I didn’t come out feeling enlightened or unbelievably positive. Yes, a certain amount of relaxation and positivity was there. But it wasn’t something I’d rave about. I am not complaining, I never expected enlightenment in two days. That would be plain stupid on my part. But I did come out feeling reassured. Knowing that my choices were in the right direction. My refusal to certain things was right. My belief that I can’t live half dozen separate lives was not unreasonable.

I have this one life. To make my mistakes, to create my own achievements. To have my own heartbreaks. To find my own pleasure. To be jealous and full of envy. To bring happiness to others. To find some for myself. To play my roles as best as I can. And when I can’t anymore, to bow out gracefully.

Here’s to the next year. Hopefully, you’ll be the one I am waiting for.

Illusion of hope and all that

A couple of years ago, during a Diwali break, I saw all the seasons of Sex and The City back to back. A friend had given me all the DVDs and I just wanted to watch the series without the censorship of Indian television. From a narrative similar to the book, to Carrie as the protagonist, the series had come a long way. As most women do, even I could relate to most questions, issues and quirky problems raised on that show. My life and personality is a bit like Carrie’s. Albeit the fashion sense. Her love life is dominated by one man who casts a shadow, consciously or unconsciously, on all of her other relationships. Every single one of her relationships is broken or dictated by Big’s presence. There is almost sadomasochist (in a non sexual way) sort of thing that is going on. She loves to do stupid things to herself and those around her in the hope that she eventually ends up with him. Hurts herself and so many others in the process. It is almost like she enjoys it.  Not knowingly though. Even when she does try to stay away from the mistake that Big could be, she can’t. Self-infliction of pain. And he on the other hand, tosses her around like a yo-yo throughout the series. Almost like he enjoys it too. She realizes this herself somewhere down the line. It is a stupid stupid love story.

But why am I writing about it? It is fairly simple. Borrowing Carrie’s own words, today while I thought of how one single relationship can have so much influence on others, I couldn’t help but wonder, if all of our relationships are dictated by the one that could’ve been? The one that we desperately wished and hoped to work out. The one that always resides at the back of our minds. The one that was perfect. Do we actually ruin or influence every other relationship based on that one? Almost hitting the self-destruct button when something that we hadn’t imagined for ourselves seems to be working out. It is like forever hoping that ‘that one’ works out.

But what if there isn’t a ‘that one’ in your life? This is the question that has been haunting me. In the past few years, post one so-called-perfect guy and one way-far-from-perfect guy, I have liked quite a few guys. By liked, I mean sometimes had a major crush on and sometimes pursued. Most them seemingly okay and normal but without the possibility of anything working out with any of them in the long term. While on most days I am proud of myself for being a rather exceptional judge of character and intentions, I have made some serious mistakes when it comes to men. And have gone on plenty self-deprecating trips while wondering why these didn’t work out.

I am left wondering where does this trace back to? This need to embark on difficult, seemingly impossible relationships. Why can’t I ever find a boy who is freaking normal and available in all ways?

Unlike, Carrie there is no Big in my life. No one to wait for. Then why am I making such lousy choices? I have no answer. The closest, slightly acceptable reason that comes to my mind is that I am hopeful. And that I am still a hopeless romantic. I still hope that these difficult relationships suddenly become possible. And in the end love does conquer all. Such a stupid thought in today’s world, but it is the only one that I am willing to hold onto.