There is this feeling in me that never disappears. Like a hollow but a lot deeper. It’s like a corner or a bend that I never reach. That I can’t touch or particular feel. A dull ache that could be due to anything. Broken relationships. Relationship that never were and could never be. A disappointment that life is or has been. Of not playing my part right. May be it is my failures. Or loneliness. Regrets, perhaps. Knowing that I am losing a fight a bit by bit. Or just believing that worse awaits.
It is always there. Even when I am happy. It lies there making its presence felt. Diminished, but not disappeared. It waits till the smiles disappear and euphoria ebbs away. It waits for its moment to take over. To possess.
I call it eternal sadness. A place that no one reaches to and no one can stay away from.
I wrote this after reading Narcopolis by Jeet Thayil. It was a thought that emerged inspired by that book. How much do I relate to it, I dont know. But it seemed like something that had to be said out loud.