Those scars are beautiful, I long to tell him. Countless times I have imagined lying next to him, running a finger over his scars and making him realise how beautiful his scars really are. Day after day, all that is imperfect about him appeals to me. Those tiny little flaws. I don’t like him much when he is too cheery. There is something inertly beautiful about his sadness. Everyday, I watch him as he struggles to deal with his worse while he appears to be the best, most of the time. Those scars, they don’t disappear. They are there always reminding me about all that is beautiful about him.
I love him for his faults. Is that strange? I don’t really know. But overlooking all that is good about him, the fleeting moments of weakness that we have shared have revealed a lot more to me than he ever would. Sadly, those moments were few. What caused him, a stranger to reveal his life to me? Those countless days that we spent together as acquaintances, leading life alongside never prompted him to say a single word. And one evening when we both decided to hang up our anti social boots for a while, he narrated his life story in counted words.
How do you part from someone who voices each and every thought you’ve ever had about life and loneliness? I have no clue. Physically apart, my thoughts offer wander off to where I know he is. I changed my life, or rather, my life or destiny or whatever that governs our insignificant miniscule lives, it took me down a path where he is steadily becoming just a memory of what could have been.
Everyday I wake up with his thought and I realise all over again how much I hate what-ifs. And everyday I convince myself that I will be wasting my words trying to make a dream come true. We are two people almost worlds apart. While I will and I can change my world to be with him, he is the adamant kind. He would not budge. He wouldn’t walk away from what he has to be with someone who has so little to offer.
The haze of our relationship (friendship?) is murkier than the monsoon clouds. There is no sign of sunlight. No sign hope. There are just countless droplets of rain. Steadily, drowning everything that could have been. A little ray of sunlight and a look at his beautiful scars, that is all I ask for. Just to survive.